How much do your children know about you? Their aunts and uncles? Their grandparents? And beyond?
This knowledge (or lack of) may have more impact on their emotional well being than any other factor.
Josef and Maria Schopf grew up in neighboring towns in Austria, but didn’t meet until they had both moved to America with their families.
Recent studies led by Dr. Marshall Duke have discovered a profound connection between a child’s family knowledge and their wellbeing.
“The more kids knew about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their families functioned.” Dr. Marshall Duke
They determined this through creating a Do You Know Scale of 20 questions. They compared children’s responses to those questions with results from a battery of psychological tests and the results were overwhelming and astonishing.
***The “Do You Know?” scale turned out to be the best single indicator of children’s emotional health and happiness.***
“WE WERE BLOWN AWAY.” Dr. Duke said.
Colleen Mott, my mother, and her sisters Pauline and Devota with their mother and grandmother. *Why didn’t Devota get a special dress?
HERE IS WHAT WE NEED TO DO:
“DEVELOP A STRONG FAMILY NARRATIVE”
“There was a lot of research at the time into the dissipation of the family. But we were more interested in what families could do to counteract those forces.” Dr. Marshall Duke, Psychologist, Emory University (Bruce Feller, The Stories That Bind Us, March 15, 2013)
1. Create in our children an “Intergenerational Self”. Dr. Marshall Duke
WE ARE PART OF A LARGER FAMILY.
Where did I come from? Where do I fit in? *Use the DYK Scale to help create the story.
Higher scores on the DYK scale were associated with:
- Higher levels of self-esteem and internal locus of control (a belief in one’s own capacity to control what happens to him or her).
- Better Family Functioning
- Lower levels of anxiety
- Fewer behavioral problems
- Better outcome for children with emotional/behavioral difficulties
2. Learn the good, the bad and the ugly. It should be an “oscillating narrative”, stories of success, failure and ultimately family “getting through”.
3. We can do hard things! Learning about ancestors who faced difficult challenges is empowering. It can lead to a worthwhile family discussion, “How should we face challenges together?”.
Adrian and Twila with their first two children.
HOW TO CREATE A STRONG FAMILY NARRATIVE
*One important finding was that the information by itself is not sufficient. It has as much to do with HOW the receive the information as the information itself.”
They discovered that gaining this family information was much more valuable when coming from a family member, seeing and meeting older relatives, visiting family sites etc.
WHERE, HOW, WHAT and BY WHOM these stories are shared is vital.
WHERE?
*Family Dinner
*Road Trips
*Car Pools
*Bed Time
*Birthday Celebrations…..make a tradition of sharing birth stories
Glenn Mott, my dad, hiking in the Great Northwest
HOW?
*Sharing stories
*Look at photo albums
*Visit and interview elderly relatives
*Visit places important to your family
Saanya and her Grandmother
WHAT?
This is where we talk about the “OSCILLATING FAMILY NARRATIVE”.
Embrace the GOOD, the BAD, and THE UGLY.
Share the challenges as well as the happy times.
The bottom line should be: “No matter what happened we always stuck together as a family.”
BY WHOM?
Communication of family information across generations MATTERS.
*Start with Mom and Dad, Aunts and Uncles.
*Visit elderly relatives and ask them to share stories. Write them down! Record them sharing.
Colleen Mott and her siblings…..and their car.
SOME THINGS TO TRY:
- Designate a Family Story Time.
- Create an Ancestor Wall. Collect and frame old photos. Take time to share stories about each photo.
- Collect and organize family photos.
- Create Family Traditions. THEY MATTER!
- Help plan a Family Reunion.
- Remember and celebrate deceased relative’s birthdays.
- Teach your children to keep a journal.
- Record your own history.
- Write a Family Mission Statement establishing your core values.
- Write your own DYK list.
- Visit family members and do an audio recording and interview them.
When family gets together have everyone grab a picture off the wall….share stories and information about them.
